Life is a work in progress.

Why does it seem as though everyone else around me has life figured out? In all reality I'm sure I have no reason to be feeling down and upset. I have a good job, an awesome house and the most wonderful man in my life who loves me no matter what.

What brings on these feelings then? Religion and marriage. I want nothing more than to be married to this wonderful man. What is the holdup on setting a date? It's me. I'm hanging in limbo between what I was and what I may want to be. I can't decide what I want spiritually I guess. There are 4 women in my life right now who are engaged and everything just seems to be falling into place and working out perfectly for them. No problems finding a church. They already have one. No problems finding anything really. And from outside appearances the money just flows from somewhere. Of course, I don't really know what goes on for those women, but I know I am ready to be knee deep in the planning stages of my special day too. But I can't. I just can't. I can't find a church where I know I will be accepted and loved no matter what choices I have made with my life. I can't find a church where I am comfortable anymore. I feel so lost and so confused and so alone. Why get married in a church then? Because God is a huge part of my life, no matter what. HE is the reason I am here. All of this won't leave my head and leaves me emotionally wrecked every day. I want to find where I belong and I want to be married to Andy more than anything. He doesn't see the rush... I can't seem to want to wait. I want to start that chapter of our lives and start our family. I am so happy with him and I wish he could see that... but right now, all he sees is a crazy woman who won't stop talking about weddings and churches and who is just not herself right now and can't find herself. It isn't fair to him.

I guess nothing worth having in life comes easy...

I am also ready for my brother to be home. As the days wind down, I get more and more scared that I will get that phonecall. It gets harder to be strong and positive. I want him home now. I want all of them home. No family should have to feel this way. Or lose their loved ones.

I wish I knew who to talk to about all of this...

Tired.

18.5 hours of mall work in 3 days just doesn't end well. I need to make dinner and work on the spare room... I can't seem to move.

Fighting with the DMV for 2 weeks now trying to find out where my car tabs are also leaves my mood undesirable. Fuck. Got pulled over this morning for doing 42 in a 30. Totally didn't realize I was speeding. Totally didn't realize I had passed a W St. Paul police car. Why I undid my seatbelt when I stopped the car, I may never know. I think the fact that my hand was shaking uncontrollably and I was on the verge of tears because the DMV has been such a battle could very well be the reason the very nice policeman didn't give me a ticket.

*sigh* I am ready for a day of relaxation not thinking about anything.

I begin my training for my half marathon this week.

I've officially finished 2 5K's in the last month, so a half can't be that bad can it?

I am enjoying running. I'm just not enjoying the fact that I suck at running.

But, I love my running buddy Jessica (sister-in-law to be) and she keeps me very motivated.

Green Bay half marathon, here I come!

Mmmmmm...

I have very little sense of smell left from my shit-tey cold, but I can smell the fabulous lasagna that is cooking in the oven that Andy slaved away at this afternoon. I can't wait!

Today was another day at the mall. Bleh. My coworkers are so immature and express opinions in an unkind, rude fashion and it drives me insane. But, the $$ is needed right now. This is only temporary right?

I have dishes piled high to the heavens. I hope tomorrow proves to be somewhat productive. Church. Dishes. Laundry. Budget.

Being an adult is so fun.

I don't even know if this gets read... but perhaps I will try to get back into it...

Today is a sick day... feeling utterly shitty. Being sick seems to be one of the only times I don't feel guilty about being lazy. Daytime T.V. sucks. Maybe I will finally catch up on cleaning my e-mail inbox and working on our budget. Yup. Or maybe I will sleep. Or do dishes.

Big news for 2007: New house and engagement.

Our new house is awesome. We moved in in November. I love it. Just don't keep asking how it is going. There are still boxes everywhere...especially in the spare room. There just isn't a ton of free time to get things finished. They will get done, but in time. But I am loving absolutely all of it...

The engagment. It was PERFECT! I didn't doubt my relationship at all, but it is funny how a "pledge" to commit yourself to someone forever really solidifies everything. There is no date yet, no colors chosen, nothing decided. 1 week in and everyone keeps asking all of those things. I am sure I was guilty of that once with friends. We are working on finding our church first. Not a church for our wedding, but a church to become part of. That in itself will take some time becuase you can't just go and look at different churches every day and pick based on appearances. We want to find a place that is ours...where I can convert and we can get married in and start a family in. I think it is the biggest decision we have as far as "wedding" plans go... I don't think most people can understand that... which is fine I guess, just stop asking me about the wedding I haven't started planning yet. I have ideas.. fun ideas that will work for us, but they are simply that.

Ah... that felt good to ramble a bit. Yes, maybe I will get back into this.

First and foremost, Happy Birthday Jesus!
Merry Christmas everyone!

I figured this was as good a time as any to just say that I am so happy right now. The stresses of the holidays are just about gone and now we get a day to just enjoy!

I'm tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of school. I don't want to finish my last class. I don't feel as though my heart is in it, and I don't feel strong enough to do well enough and complete it. I'm tired of papers. Tired of reading text books. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know how to figure that out. I want to come home and be with you. Just you. I'm stressed and frustrated, and I know I take it out on you. I'm sorry. I don't know how to help myself.

A second job... should I really be doing it? I don't know. It will leave me just as busy as I already am. I feel like this is the only way to take away the shame I have for the financial situation I have put myself in.

My music. I haven't touched my oboe since July 29. How sad is that. It kills me that I haven't put all things aside and made time for it. I miss it... and I need to do it again to bring myself back to something I can make sense of.

The things I want seem so far out of reach on days like today and sometimes I don't know how to handle my life.

I need to get away, and it kills me that I will be doing that alone next week. I should be with you during the holiday. I am the most thankful for you and us...

The day has finally come.

AJS and JNH are finally living together on their own!!

:) Putting things in their place will take time, but it is so nice to have it just him and me.

Must you lick my arm while I watch the fabulous Twins play ball?

Monday. Boo.

They are trying to move me to the receptionist desk at work... no good. I won't have any of it. Thinking of that makes me think I should find a better paying job. Or get a second job. I keep trying to get a hold of Amy and Chris so I can see my girls again.. but they aren't calling me back. Sad day.

5 more days till roommate #3 is gone! Ah, this place will be so fantastic when we can clean it up and make it look nice.. and baby proof it for little AJ and Benjamin. I can't wait to not be embarrassed to invite people to my home.

5 days!!

Yeah, sure, you betcha.

Just spent the weekend in Fargo. Yah. For a wedding.

Jennifer at a wedding? No fucking way!

mmmm, with the addition of Andrew James Schmitt in my life, I also have doubled the amount of people I now have the pleasure of calling friends, therefore, adding more weddings. Weeee.

This one was Dave and Rachel. Good wedding, interesting reception. It was fine, but it was super cramped in this barn looking building that was right next to a railroad track. I swear we heard over 20 trains go by the entire night.

Have I ever mentioned that I am on the 11 year plan when it comes to getting engaged and married? Well, it started as a small joke with Andy a while back, and has since grown into this huge thing that he just gets the biggest kick out of. I was sitting in the pew at the church on Saturday, chatting with Drew's friend Matt's fiance Krissy (confused yet?) and we were talking about something and the couple in front of us turned around and started talking to us. Crystal and Mark. Crystal made some comment to Krissy, and then turned to me and asked if I was Andy's significan other. I said yes and then Mark was like, yeah, I heard about the 11 year plan.

?? I had never even met those people!!! They turned out to be cool though. But yea, it seems everyone knows about the plan.

Anyway... it was a fun weekend. I am not looking forward to getting back to work, but, what do you do?

I'm tired. A little too much food and beer. :)

It's really been an odd week emotionally.

Last weekend was awesome..hung out with the Schmitt fam. Did a tea with Jen and Jessica...shopped, had margaritas while the boys went and did a gangster tour in St. Paul. Then we all met up and went to Stillwater to celebrate Oktoberfest. Fun times. Sunday was full of more family, sports, dinner and old home movies of the 4 brothers.

I sit here now kind of sad. Why? I'm not really sure. Everything is fine really. There have been a few events that have just gotten me into a funk. I feel that in my relationship, I am always thinking of him first, but find that he may not always think of me first in certain decisions. It kind of hurt a little, and in turn I feel myself pulling away a little bit. I don't like that, but I don't know really what to do about it. I feel like our communication isn't always up to par lately... I have become what he might call "dramatic". That hurts as well... I can't help my feelings. As the days go on, we fall into a routine, and I start to worry that he might get bored with me, as I have begun to be bored of myself.

I am finally getting back to the gym... which is helping a ton. I am also going to stick with my arts administration degree for now. It will be a challenge, and I need that.

I also need a hug. :) Katherine, you are in my prayers and I hope your mom is ok. MJ, you can do this.. I have all the faith in you.

10 More Words You Simply Must Know

British novelist Evelyn Waugh once said, "One forgets words as one forgets names. One's vocabulary needs constant fertilisation or it will die." Encarta editors picked a few more of their favorite words to nourish your vocabulary. Some of them you may even use! (Tip: Click to see the full definition and hear the word pronounced.)

1. Abhorrent:
1. "repugnant: arousing strong feelings of repugnance or disapproval"
2. "incompatible: incompatible or conflicting with something (literary)"

The odor in his apartment was abhorrent.

2. Masticate:
1. "to grind and pulverize food inside the mouth, using the teeth and jaws"
2. "grind to pulp: to grind or crush something until it turns to pulp"

Be sure to masticate thoroughly before swallowing.

3. Paradigm:
1. "typical example: a typical example of something"
2. "model that forms basis of something: an example that serves as a pattern or model for something, especially one that forms the basis of a methodology or theory"
3. "set of all forms of word: a set of word forms giving all of the possible inflections of a word"
4. "relationship of ideas to one another: in the philosophy of science, a generally accepted model of how ideas relate to one another, forming a conceptual framework within which scientific research is carried out"

The heiress who has become famous for being infamous is the paradigm of celebutantes.

4. Disseminate: "to distribute or spread something, especially information, widely, or become widespread"

Some publications may not want to disseminate rumors, but many tabloids make it their primary business.

5. Promulgate:
1. "declare something officially: to proclaim or declare something officially, especially to publicize formally that a law or decree is in effect"
2. "make known: to make something widely known"

The City Council has approved the regulation and will promulgate it soon.

6. Pestiferous:
1. "annoying: troublesome or annoying"
2. "causing infectious disease: breeding or spreading a virulently infectious disease"
3. "corrupting: evil and corrupting (formal)"

"The pestiferous mosquitoes enveloped the campers as they sat around their campfire--a persistent annoyance in an otherwise pleasant evening.

7. Ostentatious: "marked by a vulgar display of wealth and success designed to impress people"

They were actually deep in debt, but their ostentatious parties were the talk of the neighborhood.

8. Sternutatory: "causing or resulting in sneezing"

Cat dander is sternutatory to me.

9. Salutary:
1. "producing or contributing to a beneficial effect; beneficial; advantageous"
2. "wholesome; healthful; promoting health"

"False facts are highly injurious to the progress of science, for they often endure long; but false views, if supported by some evidence, do little harm, for every one takes a salutary pleasure in proving their falseness." -- Charles Darwin

10. Pugnacious: "having a quarrelsome or combative nature: truculent"

He was pugnacious, frequently landing himself in detention for fighting at recess.

Money. Boo.

How, how, how can I get ahead when I am so behind?

*smacks forehead* If only I had made better choices along the way...this maybe wouldn't be so difficult?

Class starts tomorrow. Did I mention I think I want a degree change? It could prove to be more challenging than I think... I think I will actually have to take the GRE..that is, if they accept me. I have avoided the GRE like the plague.

I am a horrible test taker.

However, I can make ANYONE organized.

hmmm... seems I still have it in me to jog a little. Little. Went with Sarah tonight to walk/jog around the lake to get going for our 5K the end of October. I'm tired now, but feel more motivated to do this.

I kind of feel like I am in a life slump. Not knowing what to do with my life. Not having the money to do it. The only thing in my life that makes sense is my boyfriend...most days anyway. About 25 more days till we are officially on our own in the apartment. I can't wait and I think it will be the best thing ever for us. I know I take a lot of my frustrations out on him and I feel absolutely horrible about it. I think more than anything I am frustrated with myself most days. I feel like I'm not really accomplishing anything right now.

But, I am on the path to renewal. Attempting to run a 5K, get back into shape, get rid of my wardrobe for some new fun stuff, working on a joint recital with Maja Lisa and starting to get a handle on my finances so I can save for a house and other big things in the future. It's exciting. It's hard to believe it's been 8 months. It seriously feels like this relationship is 50 years young. I love it. Yes, there are good days and bad, but I can't imagine my life without him. Which makes being in a life slump not so hard.

I hate Minnesota drivers. And people who call and instead of saying hello, say who's this? I hate bugs. I love singing to my car radio.
I love cheese. Why am I saying these things? Who knows... cause I can say whatever I want I guess.

Drew finds it ironic that nature killed the man who claims he was trying to preserve nature. I agree. He thinks its funny. I don't. I have no problems with Katie Couric. I have problems with parents who let their kids throw rocks in the parking lot. I have no problems with kids throwing rocks in a lake.

I'm done. For now. :)

Well, here I am on a Saturday afternoon, trying to enjoy my boyfriendless weekend. It's impossible though. I missed him a good half hour after I knew he had left for his annual boys camping weekend. This is so silly, but I feel as though part of me is missing..and that I am just floating through the weekend till he gets home. I thought for sure this would be a nice break for us... and maybe it is, but I sure as hell can't appreciate it right now.

I am looking forward to a BBQ tonight though with some friends...

Ever have days that make you wonder who in the hell thought it would be a good idea to give you a drivers license at the age of 16? Yep, today was one of those days. I really should have stayed off the road.

I have decided, along with my new friend Sarah, the girlfriend of my boyfriend's friend (weeeeeee, wasn't that fun?), to start training for a 5K that we will be running in October.

Yes, I said running. What was I thinking??

Haven't posted in forever.

Made it to Nebraska. I had tons of fun. Drew met the rest of my fam... I think it went well. I'm so glad he was able to come down with me. We managed to get Pat and Joe married..had a blast! I'm so happy for them.

I didn't get the Augsburg job. Bummed me out more than I thought it would. Ah well...such is life. This means I get to stay at good ol Lund Martin. It's not a bad job... but it seems they are moving me from my office to the receptionist desk. I hate playing receptionist more than anything. It's so fucking disruptive and I just feel like a worthless piece of monkey shit by sitting there, being all "Hi! So glad your here!" Ugh.. just give me work to do and leave me alone. Distractions are so not good for me. I'm better than this right? Yes.

School starts in a couple of weeks. I really don't know that I want to keep going. Quite honestly, I just want to continue not having homework, and not going to class, and trying to enjoy my life as it is. I want to work, try to save money, maybe pick up a second job so I can pull myself out of debt, and then work towards the bigger things in life that I want. I don't see myself in a career anyways... I have different life plans in mind. This isn't really something that just came about and I'm sure that everyone may think it is because of Drew, but it isn't. Well, I mean, the direction my life is headed is because of him, but I have been thinking about this school thing for quite some time.

Things with Drew are good. We had a fun Sunday at Como zoo and conservatory. It was so beautiful. We also went to the mini carnival and had a caricature done. A very good day indeed. Living with him is going well, has it's challenging days for sure, but overall is very good and do not regret the decision. I cannot wait until Darian moves out though. I am ready for it to just be us...

Man this got long... off to finish watching Rescue Me.

Had my job interview at Augsburg today. Here are how the days events played out.

Left work at 3:30.
Traffic keeps me from cruising through downtown.
As I drive, a rainstorm starts to follow me. It is probably laughing.
I get to campus and it is pouring.
The only available spot closest to HR is a meter.
I think, no one checks meters when it is pouring rain.
I run to HR, no chance to see what I look like before my interview.
I do the interview, it goes about as well as a Jennifer interview goes.
I leave, feeling alright.
Walk to car.
FUCK. Ticket on car.

These are probably good things right?? All I can do is laugh.

Going to Nebraska tomorrow..yay!

It's hot. I hate hot. Ish.

I really ought to be getting ready for work, but I don't want to go. Ish.

Getting settled here in Eagan...quite the change and adjustment, but it is going well and I am very happy here.

I will be home in NEBRASKA in 2 weeks!!!! :)

Ok, is it Friday yet??